


Please don't say you love me (cause I might not say it back)

by Queerfeministdork



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Buck, M/M, chim is a bit dickish, this is just a whole lot about struggling to say I love you I don't know what else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerfeministdork/pseuds/Queerfeministdork
Summary: "Say I love you loud, and say I love you often.It was an easy sentiment, and it was a beautiful background picture. But something clenched tightly in Buck’s chest when he saw it flash open as he handed Hen her phone. Because he knew it was a simple thing for most people, that most people could just let those three little words slip out without a care. But he couldn’t. They always got caught in his throat, stuck behind his chest. Tamped down before he could think to breathe them out."Buck always wished he could just say the words. Turns out, maybe people just know.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 25
Kudos: 262





	Please don't say you love me (cause I might not say it back)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi hi!  
> TW: mentions of past child abuse.  
> I wrote this fic in one sitting because I just needed to take a quick break from my other stories and I hope you all enjoy it! The title is from "Please Don't Say You Love Me" by Gabrielle Aplin.  
> But I was honestly weirdly inspired by the song STARSTRUKK by 3OH3 - so uh do with that what you will :))

Say I love you loud, and say I love you often. 

It was an easy sentiment, and it was a beautiful background picture. But something clenched tightly in Buck’s chest when he saw it flash open as he handed Hen her phone. Because he knew it was a simple thing for most people, that most people could just let those three little words slip out without a care. But he couldn’t. They always got caught in his throat, stuck behind his chest. Tamped down before he could think to breathe them out. 

“Cute background, is it new?” He finally croaked out, as Hen eyed him warily. 

She nodded, eyes knowing. “It is, I love the thought behind it, and the artwork was cute.” She explained. Her eyes didn’t quite meet his. It wasn’t surprising, in the three years they had worked together he had never told her he loved her. She said it once, and he stammered for a solid minute before finally getting out the words ‘thank you’ and walking away. She never brought it up, and she never tried to say it again. 

“It’s a great thought.” He tapped his fingers against his thigh, he wasn’t sure why he brought it up at all. He wished someone would just walk into the loft, interrupt the world's most awkward conversation. 

“You know that we all-” 

“I do. I just-” 

“I know. We get it. Or well, we don’t get why exactly. But everyone has their things Buckaroo. No need to stress it. As long as you know we do.” She smiled putting a hand on his knee. 

He wanted to push the words out. It would be so simple, easy. Just to say ‘I love you guys too.’ Instead he managed to suck in a deep breath and say, “Back at you guys too you know right?” 

“We know. You’re great at showing all of us that.” She smiled, and he nodded, head bobbing up and down for longer than was necessary but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “And if you ever want to talk about it, you know I’m here, right?” 

“Of course Hen.” 

“Good.” She stood, patting him on the shoulder before walking away. 

The thing was. Buck was positive that if he tried to explain to someone what his big holdup was, the reason he got all twisted in knots, and tongue tied every time he tried to utter the word love they would care. They would be nothing but sympathetic. But It didn’t stop the shame from the idea of getting around to explaining. It didn’t make the story any easier to say. And at the end of the day telling everyone that mommy and daddy didn’t love him enough as a child wasn’t going to magically cure him, so why bother? 

+++

Some days he envied Maddie. It was stupid, but he envied the way she wasn’t broken like him. The way she was able to express herself even with everything that had happened. Not just with their parents, but with everything. How strong she was. Then he stopped being jealous, and was just amazed with her. So filled with love that he couldn’t verbally express to her, so he would settle for pressing his shoulder into hers as he walked past. Ruffling her hair even though he knew she hated it. Making sure to get the coffee she loved from the cafe by his house. 

But of course when he would pass it off to her, she would smile brightly and say thank you and tell him those stupid little words. “Love you so much Ev.” 

And he loved knowing he was loved, be he hated the baited breath she would take everytime. Where she was unsure if he was going to say it back. Waiting to hear something she hadn’t heard since the summer he turned 13 and never said it again. Instead he would always just smile and say, ‘I know.’ 

It wasn’t enough, no matter how much they both tried to pretend that it was. 

+++

The first time Chris said he loved him Buck panicked. He honestly tried to open his mouth and say it back, he thought maybe the words would come with ease this time. But of course they never did. ‘You too little man’ is what came out instead. 

Eddie didn’t question it, and neither did Chris. It became their thing, Chris would say he loved him, and Buck would always say you too. They eventually settled on sign language for Buck being able to initiate to Chris that he loved him. Three fingers, it was easy. 

He sometimes thought maybe he should just try that with everyone. Surely they would understand. But then he realized that he made a compromise to show Chris because he was a child and wouldn’t understand the reason Buck never said it was because he was always trying to show it. That he would feel stupid trying to hold up his hand to other adults who were capable of speaking their words. Besides, it was nice for him and Chris to have their own thing. 

+++ 

Bobby wasn’t big on ‘I love yous’. He was a man of action, huge with ‘I’m proud of you’ or ‘I’m happy you’re here.’ It showed Buck a lot of ways that people could say those words without saying them. It also made things easy between them. If Bobby never tried to say it, Buck would never be faced with failing to say it back.

+++

Athena took him by surprise the first time she said it. It came out of nowhere, he was at the house helping out Harry and May with their homework when she dropped the bomb on them. “You know I love you kids.” 

“We love you too mom.” They had chorused back, while Buck had remained steady on the papers in front of him. 

“That included you young man.” She said, and he panicked. He was positive his entire face turned red, and that hives were going to start breaking out. 

“I-I uh- yeah - I um-” it was not a good look on him. 

Athena looked panicked as well, and it was May who took pity on him. “I think that was Chemistry fried brain speak for he loves you too. Can we make dinner soon?” She nudged his shoulder with a smile, and he finally took a breath. 

“Of course honey. Buck I expect you’re staying?” 

“Yeah I figured I would.” 

After that she never tried to say it again. She hugged him tight on his way out the door that night, and every time she saw him from there on out. 

+++

He sometimes wondered if Chim yelled I love you as often as he did because he knew Buck got performance anxiety about saying it back. Sure maybe Chim just  _ really  _ wanted him to know he was loved. But yelling it on calls, in the grocery store, and at parties? Slightly overkill. 

It became sort of a game between them, the reactions he started to give once he got over the initial panic of what to say. The ants crawling up his skin at the thought of not being able to say it back. 

The best was when they had an old lady tsk at them in the grocery store. 

“I love you Buck,” Chim had cooed, in a poor stage whisper.

“You need to keep it down. What if someone overhears, and they tell Maddie? I don’t want to come between you and my sister.” She had looked murderous at them, and Bobby probably would have given them a speech on respecting the uniform if he had found out. 

+++

When it came to Eddie things had started fine. He didn’t say I love you, Eddie let him do his signs with Chris. They showed each other, they didn’t have to tell each other. 

Except it wasn’t really fine. Because for as much as Eddie wasn’t the most talkative of guys, he could join in on everyone expressing their love. He could hollar out to Chris at any given moment how much he loved him. Could profess to Carla that she was a godsend and he loved her whenever she stayed late for Chris. Ended every phone call he had ever had with ‘bye, love you.” 

Love was just ingrained into his bones. 

And it was fine. 

It was. 

When they were just friends. 

But Buck had no idea how to ask for more when he was so broken. 

+++

They were all on their way to drunk at the bar when someone said it. He figured it was the alcohol, that no one would have ever had the guts to ask him without it. But of course it was probably a question they had all had for a while. 

“So like, did you ever tell Abby you loved her?” Chim blurted out, and Buck winced. 

“No.” He picked up his beer and took a sip, debating on going and getting something stronger if they were really going to have this conversation. He felt Eddie’s hand drop down to his knee. It was a warm and steady weight, comforting. 

“But like you did love her right?” He asked, and Maddie slapped his arm. Buck just shrugged, taking another sip before putting the glass back down. 

“Sure.” 

“Okay fine, maybe she was a bad example given all of the shit she did after. But what about Ali?” He asked, and Buck raised an eyebrow. 

“What about her?” 

“Did you ever tell her?” He asked, he sounded exasperated, which is exactly how Buck felt. But as he looked around the table he could see everyone seemed interested for an answer. Even Karen had put her phone down and was leaning in. It was when he looked at Eddie, that he decided to breathe and answer. If he couldn’t say it, he could try and explain right. Maybe Eddie could hear enough and decide for himself? 

“I don’t know what to tell you about Ali, I didn’t feel that way about her.” He really hadn’t. He liked her, and they were having fun. But it wasn’t love and they both knew it, it was why she left him when the bombing happened. 

“You two were together for months.” Chim pointed out, and Buck rolled his eyes. 

“Most of which she wasn’t in the state. And when a ladder truck fell on me she dumped me. Does that scream-” he took a breath. “Loving girlfriend to you?” 

“Yeah but-” Chim started again, but Hen cut him off. 

“Chim leave it alone.” She said, and he deflated slightly. 

“I just don’t get it. You’ve never told any of your girlfriends that you loved them? Ever?” He asked, and Buck grinned. 

“I’ll let you in on a secret.” He said, and Chim leaned forward. “I never told any of my boyfriends either.” He winked dramatically, and Chim open and closed his mouth several times before falling back in his seat.

“You are too much.” Hen said laughing, Chim was still floundering, clearly angry at being stumped. 

“So can I ask?” Karen started, and he turned to her with a polite smile. He wasn’t sure what she was going to ask, but he nodded anyways. “Have you ever told anyone? Ever?” 

“He’s told me.” Maddie said, and Buck couldn’t look up and meet her eyes. 

“Yeah but he doesn’t even tell you now.” Chim said, clearly having found his voice again. 

Buck felt his grip tighten on his drink, and Eddie’s tightened on his knee. “Is that a big issue for you Chim?” Eddie asked, and Chim leaned back. 

“Come on man, you don’t want to know? You, of all people?” He shot back, and Buck really didn’t want to read into that. 

“I think that if he wants us to know he’ll tell us. Rather than a group of us accosting him for information drunk at a fucking bar.” Eddie shot back, and Buck sat up fast. He saw how far south this conversation could go, and he wasn’t about to let the two of them start fighting over it. Not when it was stupid. 

“My dad used to beat me okay?” He half yelled, before lowering his volume. 

“Evan.” Maddie whispered. 

“Okay, no sorry that is not how I meant to start this. That did not sound how I meant it to.” 

“You don’t have to Buck-” Hen started, but he cut her off. 

“No you all want to know right? Why can't I just be normal? Well I don’t know, and this is the only explanation I’ve come up with, so do you want to let me talk or do you want me to leave it at ‘my dad used to push me around.’” His grip was tight around his drink, but he needed to get this out. 

“You can talk of course, we’re always here for you Buck.” Hen said, and he nodded, looking into his drink as he started again. 

“You guys know Maddie and I are a few years apart. Neither of us were planned, and she was a surprise, ‘a happy accident’ they used to call her. I was just a mistake. A kid 8 years after their first mistake, I was not something that they were expecting, and I was not as quiet as Maddie. I was just, I was a loud kid.” 

“Which doesn’t excuse any of it.” Maddie cut in sharply. 

“No, it doesn’t.” He agreed. “My dad had no patience for things that didn’t go his way. Had no patience for people who didn’t listen. No patience for a lot of things, but the biggest thing he had no patience for was me.” He blinked his eyes, there were no tears, something he wasn’t entirely shocked about. He had always done a good job at disconnecting himself from this. 

“It was always a form of discipline with him, ‘for your own good Evan.’ Or ‘this will teach you how to be a man Evan.’ Whenever he went too far it was always like a band aid to tell me that he loved me.” He took a breath steadying himself to continue. “It was fine, that was just how life went. But when Maddie left for college there was no one there to remind me to be quiet, tell me that our parents really didn’t like these things. And instead of sometimes, it became all the time. And it stopped being just my dad.” 

He could hear Maddie inhale deeply at this. He hated it, hated knowing how much this hurt her. “From there on out it was pretty much just me taking turns pissing off my parents too much, getting a reminder of why that was a bad idea, and being made waffles the next morning and being told that they loved me. That they were just teaching me how to be a man. A better person. That I would thank them for this some day.” 

“He hasn’t said it since the summer I came home from my freshman year.” Maddie informed them all quietly, and he heard Chim sigh. 

“I am, I’m so sorry man. I never meant to-” 

“What the hell did you think man? That he wasn’t saying it for fun? That he got awkward every time you yell at him in public because he’s just being a dick? Honestly Chim what the fuck did you think?” Eddie demanded, and Buck looked over at him in shock. 

“Eddie-” 

“No, Buck. I’m sorry. And honestly if I ever meet your parents- god. You are one of the most loving people I have ever met. Love seeps out of you at every crack, everything you ever do you pour love into. So what if you can’t say it? I mean, obviously it’s an issue for you yes. But it’s not an issue for me, and it shouldn’t be an issue for him. Hell, you got so awkward the first time my kid said it to you that you and him came up with your own way to say it to each other.” He broke eye contact with Buck, who’s mind was reeling to turn back to Chim. “I’ve never said anything when you jokingly yell it at him. But honestly Chim, there are just lines you don’t need to cross. Questions you don’t need the answers to.” 

“You’re right Eddie. I’ve been. God I’ve been a giant dick about this whole thing. And Buck I am so sorry. For all of it.” Chim was frowning deeply, and so was Maddie. 

“It’s-” he couldn’t really say it was okay. “Thank you. I think I’m going to bounce if that’s cool with all of you. I’m really not feeling like being out anymore.” 

“Of course honey. We’ll see you soon.” Karen said, standing and giving him a hug. 

“I’ll come with.” Eddie said, and Buck nodded. 

He wasn’t entirely sure he was prepared for whatever else Eddie had to say. Because everything he had already said? Things that were erasing the fears that Buck had of his inability to say those words meaning he wasn’t enough. It was scary. 

“Uh did we want to go to your place or mine?” Buck asked, as he waved his phone slightly, the Lyft app open on the screen. 

“Yours? Chris is having a slumber party with Denny and Harry so I don’t really need to be home for anything.” Buck nodded, pressing the home option, before leaning on the bricks outside the bar taking a deep breath. 

“You know you didn’t have to say all of that stuff to Chim right? I mean I appreciate it, but. I don’t know, you two don’t need to be in a fight because of me.” 

“I know, but if I’m being honest it was probably a long time coming.” 

“Why?” Buck blurted, and Eddie rubbed his hand down his face. 

“Did you listen to a word I said in there?” He asked, head nodding towards the bar. And Buck nodded slightly. “That’s why.” 

+++

He probably should have just left well enough alone. Let what Eddie said serve as an answer. Because god knows it was more of an answer than Buck had ever given before. Everyone had always just let him coast on by with no questions asked. 

But there were questions asked, there were things said, and god he needed to know where things were going from there. So instead of paying attention to the movie they put on, he opened his mouth again. 

“But what exactly did you mean about Chim? Like have you guys talked about this before?” He asked, and Eddie sighed. He looked at him out of the corner of his eye, taking him in. Looking at how Buck had both legs pulled up on the couch, that he was hugging his knees, self soothing, waiting for an answer, and he turned to him. 

“Yeah Buck we have talked about it before. I mean all of us have talked about it at some point or another, your  _ aversion.”  _ He shrugged, running a hand down his face. “It wasn’t like some big source of gossip. It was more like - oh hey ‘I told Buck I loved him and he freaked out did that happen to you too?’ It was never malicious.” 

“Yeah that makes sense.” 

“After everyone had their own story, we all pretty much agreed to just stop saying it. Not because we thought you shouldn’t hear it. Or because we don’t all love you. But because we figured we should stop putting you on the spot. Chim however had different ideas. He said that he was going to keep saying it because Maddie always says it or some shit. Whatever it was stupid, and then you two made it your little game so none of us said anything.” 

Buck frowned. He had never realized just how much thought everyone had put into it. “You said that it doesn’t bother you?” He finally said after a moment. He felt like he was holding his breath. Because this was it. Because if it really didn’t bother Eddie than maybe there was a possibility that there could be something more. That if they could get past this they could try something, and fuck if that wasn’t a scary thought. 

“I mean at first? It was an adjustment. I honestly didn’t know how much I said I love you until we met. It was funny, I always thought of myself as someone who didn’t express myself that way much until I had to stop myself from saying it to you, and god Buck.” He shook his head, stopping himself. 

“What?” 

“I feel like I’m holding my tongue all the time. Because sure I say I love you to everyone when I hang up the phone, and I didn’t even know I did that until I couldn’t with you. Or I tell them I love them when they do me a favor. But I want to tell you I love you all the fucking time. Because I love you. And I think you might love me too. But-” 

“I do.” He cut in, taking the easy way out. He didn’t have to say the words. But he sure as hell could agree. 

“Yeah?” Eddie asked, tension seeping out of his shoulders. He settled into the couch with a bright grin. “That’s, yeah. That’s good to know.” 

“I might not be able to ever.” Buck took a breath, putting his legs down, leaning towards Eddie. “I can try. I will try, but I might not be able to ever say it. But I do. You know that right?” 

Eddie nodded, leaning in as well. “I do, and you know what else?” 

“What?” 

“You’ve always been better at showing me things.” His eyes flashed down to Buck’s lips and he caught on quickly. With a slight nod he closed the gap between them bringing their lips together. He brought his hand up to cradle Eddie’s cheek. Just hold him for this time, hold him in this moment because it was precious, and he hoped Eddie could feel that too. 

He pulled back and smiled. “How was that?” 

“Yeah, kiss me like that anytime you want to remind me.” Eddie said, and Buck blushed but smiled. 

“I will.” 

**Author's Note:**

> AHHH I hope you all enjoyed it! Feel free to leave me any thoughts, comments, or questions, I love them all! So much love <333


End file.
